My name is Steven and I may be going through a mid-life moment. Again. Last time was easy. I bought myself a 12-foot long chrome-plated custom motorcycle called Rammesses II. The time before that I bought an enormous stainless steel drum kit and the time before that I swapped a lucrative career in biochemical research for a pauper’s existence in motorcycle journalism.
It’d be a lot easier to plan these things properly if we knew how long we were going to live. And, as a motorcyclist, this is further complicated by a necessary belief that I am immortal and invincible. So, rather than be worried I’ve decided to embrace these mid-life moments (crisis implies something bad and so far I’ve enjoyed all mine immensely) and jump right in to something new.
But I’m struggling with this one. I don’t enjoy driving, so a sports car isn’t an option, the closest thing I have to a secretary to run away with is an ageing, arthritic Staffie and growing a ponytail will simply make me look even more foolish than nature already intended.
Last weekend I had a lightbulb moment; become the president of America. Being a creative chap, I had a business plan written by teatime. By last orders, the plan was fully formed. Come up with a slogan, start a social media page, call the kremlin (my great, great grandfather was from Russia so me and Puti-kins are practically cousins) and start saying some wacky things.
I was disappointed to learn that there wasn’t an online application process and even more so when I discovered you had to be an actual American citizen to become Big Dog One. So…plan B, start a website, write some stuff and see if it picks up a few interested fellow insomniacs, one of whom might know a mad scientist who has worked out how to make giant ants that will obey me. Once we have enough ants, we’ll rent a submarine, sneak across to Florida, up to Washington and literally take over the White House.
It’s unlikely that America will fall for the Trump trick again and I’ll struggle to become American in time. Also, there’s a problem with insect respiration physiology that prevents an ant getting much bigger than they are, so maybe I should start smaller.
There has to be a way of getting a slightly left-of-centre politician with some actual policies into power again. But here’s the thing. I don’t want to start a political party. I couldn’t face the idea of finding a gang of like-minded potential candidates because what are the chances of finding twenty suitable people that turn out not to be loonies, never mind 600 – I’d rather take my chances with ants.
So that means taking over another party, from within, that already has a bunch of largely sensible people that can be manipulated because what you are doing is basically right. Like Tony Blair did with Labour in the mid-90s. The obvious place is Italy, of course. They have many more parties, many more elections-per annum and the chance to build some momentum while no one is looking. But where every other country’s politics are heading for chaos like Italy already has, what if, in this crazy, changing world, Italy is crying out for stability?
What we need next are some policies. How about if instead of wanting to throw everything away from the last 100 years we decide instead to pick and choose the good stuff that worked from around the world and blend it together.
So, who does sympathetic capitalism, who does effective welfare, who has the best law and order, who runs healthcare best? Take some inspiration from here, some ideas from there and avoid labels like left, right or centre. This isn’t any of those it’s simply democracy and grown-up management of a nation.
And, while we’re at it, imagine there was a political party whose MPs told the truth. When interviewed on TV or in the papers they actually said exactly what was going on, what the agenda was behind it and why they had come to that conclusion. Just supposing we redefined politics in new terms. No longer, left, right and centre. Or leave and Remain.
What if there was a political party that simply wanted the best for the country (yes, I know how naïve this sounds…sorry, I’m an ageing optimist)? And instead of bickering like children and wasting energy insulting with the other parties, it simply focussed on the job in hand.
Imagine a political party of people that understood how a healthy business community produces the goods, services and profits that bring jobs, wages and tax revenues. And how those tax revenues provide the funding for world-beating public services. And how, if we want world-beating public services we, the public and the corporations that benefit from healthy, well-educated, motivated, positive-minded citizens should understand that paying an extra few quid a month would make a massive difference.
Let’s do some naively simple calculations. The average UK salary in 2018 was £29,588. On that salary a typical person pays 11.5 per cent of their monthly £2465 (£284) per month in tax. If we all agreed that we’d be prepared to increase that to 12 per cent (£300), based on the UK’s working population of 32.5 million people, that small amount adds an additional £5,000,000,000 (five billion) each year to the UK coffers. And if the business community put in a similar additional half per cent of additional corporation tax (and maybe even paid the actual amount of tax they owed instead of dodging it…and the amount they currently spend on accountants to avoid paying that tax) you could probably add another billion.
Just supposing there was a political party that, because it no longer worked on the left/right principle could command the respect of both private and public sectors. Just suppose it could do this because it was absolutely and utterly 100 per cent honest. And just supposing that instead of being driven by outdated, Victorian doctrines, this party had a simple, 21st century method of developing policy and working with the people who elect it to make those policies work. Just supposing they brought the people into the governing process by including them on committees, like we do with randomly picked Juries on jury service.
How about instead of being stuck in that left/right nonsense a smart party looked around the world for examples of other people getting things right? So maybe we adopt an education policy from one country…because it works. And a tax policy from somewhere else and social care programmes from somewhere else again. And, having put the programme together we cost it, look at our revenues and work out whether we can afford it, what it would take to make up any additional required revenue and ask the people if they are ok with paying that few quid extra in order that our kids can be educated to world class standards, our old people are looked after with dignity and we can build houses, run public services and police our streets properly.
How refreshing would that be? And much, much simpler than giant ants.
