So, who exactly is the idiot? Is it the principled, considered thinker holding onto the moral high ground or the panic buyer with a cupboard full of beans? There’s a massive misconception held, mostly by educated people that qualifications bring some kind of advantage. I know, I’m one of them. While we take our time navigating the pros and cons, to a verdict that balances what we instinctively want to do with what we think is right, the cheeky-chappy chancers, working on instinct, make off with all the loo-roll. And, as my terrific (and uneducated) East-End gran would probably have said ‘You can’t wipe your arse with the moral high ground.’

The Coronavirus crisis has been (still is) a fascinating example of what happens when you don’t have time to consider the options because today’s problem will be entirely different tomorrow. Thankfully for us herbivores, the Tesco locusts have left the vegetarian sections intact (for now) and we’ve learned the lesson that we’ll make tree-hugging, paper-free, vegan ass-wipes from old VW diesels in the future.

Social media has been fascinating – full of angry people calling the hoarders all kinds of names. But the reality is that, when the shit hits the fan, you need loo-roll to clean up the mess. When the masses are confused, they panic. It’s not about twattery or anything socially complex, it’s about panic, a need to survive and doing the things that make people feel like they have some control. If you’re unsure whether you are ‘the masses’ apply the soap opera and Mrs Brown’s Boys filter. If you never miss an episode, you’re in – simple – and I don’t suppose you can get me a half-dozen rolls of cocoa-buttered, 3-ply Andrex until this blows over?

Instead of fighting amongst ourselves to be either the most virtuous or the best fed, we should realise that those differences are the strengths that’ll get us through this. Sometimes a big thing happens that reminds us that we all have a talent that’s valuable to society – we just need the opportunity and the right people around us.

The A-Team, Famous Five and Scooby-Doo are all perfect example of this. And, if our current UK Government really wants to play at wartime, they might want to consider a coalition of different qualities.

Look at it this way; If you were the England football manager you wouldn’t fill your team with 11 centre forwards. You’d find a hard-working, hard-running back four that pulled together, reading the play in front, co-ordinating forward movement from a solid base, knowing when to attack and how to get away with a bone-crunching tackle when the ref isn’t looking.

Your midfield are mavericks, creators and visionaries, while the forwards are cunning, athletic, calculating and ready to run time and again while taking a kicking from the opposition for the full 90 minutes.

The current UK government has a loose-cannon Prime Minister with a visibly small attention span. His chief advisor wants to rebuild Whitehall in the image of 1960s NASA. The Chancellor has just announced a programme of emergency spending that, had this been a labour government would have been chased out of parliament and burned by the right-wing newspapers. In normal circumstances it would have been a disaster for a party with the name ‘Conservative’, but as the Covid-19 crisis deepens, the need for radical thinking and willingness to do something different increases.

 

Boris Johnson has a history of not really having a policy of his own and being prepared to listen to others and allow them to drive matters via his mouthpiece. On this occasion, that might be the thing that makes the biggest difference. But first, he has to get the selection of experts right.

Dominic Cummings has long protested that the future lies with radical re-invention, now is his chance to prove it. Instinct plus education plus radical action might just save the day, but they are going to need a strong team of varied experts and maybe a few chancers to pull it off.

If not, we’re all gonna need a lot more toilet roll.