Isn’t it time the left had a proper conspiracy theory to believe in?
Sat in the garden the other night, listening to the news, my ageing terrier looked across and said, ‘Of course they are lying and cheating – the bastards are trying to normalise bad behavior to justify what comes next.’ Obviously, he spoke with his eyes – even at 12 years old he still can’t talk… he’s a dog. But we have an understanding.
And he’s right. The purpose of the UK Government’s latest legal rabble-rousing – breaking their own agreement on Brexit withdrawl – has the same intention as proroguing Parliament last year or not sacking Comrade Cummings in the spring. By getting us used to the idea that they view the law as optional and with contempt, it makes us more malleable when they start to do some seriously crazy stuff. And they wouldn’t be the first regime to use this tactic. ‘What, those busses – the ones full of people from other religions? Oh, they’re just going to an education facility in the countryside. Well, yes, there are enormous ovens at the facility…and showers. Everyone needs bread and, er, chlorine. Don’t concern yourself with the details…’
Whoaa, hang on a minute crazy terrier-dude, that’s a rather large leap from playful EU-baiting Boris to Genocide or mass baking. Of course it is, but hey, the world we live in is increasingly driven by utterly crazy conspiracy theories – surely it won’t hurt to start another one?
Because maybe what we need here is a proper whacky conspiracy theory for the left. The biggest difference between left and right in politics is that while the left have a history of trying to win the argument – to justify a seat at the ruling table on merit and academic acceptance – the right, who mostly believe they are born to sit at that table are happy to simply just discredit the wannabbee incumbents because they smell funny and eat bread instead of cake.
As ever in recent times if you want to the extremes, look West. President Chump seems easily pleased by the craziest of such theories and happy to share as many of them as suits him.
The strangest called QAnon – which proposes that the Democrats run a satanic paedophile ring from the basement of a Washington pizza parlour – is full-blown Hollywood 1950s B-movie paranoia. And then they get to the part about how a special chemical extracted from the young victims’ bodies helps keep them youthful (but apparently not orange)
Obviously (do I really need to say this?) it’s utter bollox. Firstly, the Democrats have proved conclusively in the last four years that they can’t even run a game of dominos, let alone a pizza parlour. Out of a US population of 331 million people, they can’t even find a better candidate than the guy that wasn’t good enough to beat Hillary Clinton. And when you look at the calibre required of the chump that did manage to beat her, you’ll remember just how low the bar is in American politics.
We’ve seen a bit of this crazy radicalism from the UK right recently. Labour’s anti-semitism crisis looked a little too convenient and stage-managed. Adding a few dozen rabble-rousing Tory stooges to Labour’s ranks with a brief to say inflammatory things about a subject they knew Jeremy Corbyn was already weak on shortly after Labour had come genuinely close to power wasn’t exactly covert. Labour hadn’t had a problem before…ever with anti-semitism and funnily enough it hasn’t been mentioned since the 2019 election. The Tories no longer need it and they know Kier Starmer won’t be as vulnerable. Conspiracy? I’m only just getting started.
So what kind of crazy conspiracy theory should the left-of-centre UK citizens come up with to discredit our current collection of political bullies and gangsters? A good conspiracy has to be nuts enough to get noticed, but with enough wacky intrigue that the wheels of social media will turn your way.
The obvious starting point is Russia. Both Boris and Dom’ll Fix-It have history there. Will Self wrote this tongue-in-cheek article that now looks anything-but, back in 2016 when we all thought Boris was a footnote in history.
Looking at Russia’s hatred of the EU and desire to break it up at any cost, you could forge a theory (let’s call it GAmmon for now) around how they saw an opportunity in the UK Conservative party, before feeding and nourishing UKIP so it grew strong enough to force the referendum. And then, by supporting the Leave campaign and manipulating social media our furry-hatted mischief makers took the UK out of the EU…badly.
But here’s the thing. For the conspiracy theory to work Bo-Jo and Do-Do have to be complicit, like a Waitrose-y Kensington version of Burgess, Philby and Maclean.
Boris is clearly incapable of his own thinking and so would be easily influenced with a few compliments, the favours of a big-eyed blonde and some cash. Cummings (in GAmmon-speak, at least) is the controlling puppet master who gains the reputation for being an instinctive campaigner and election winner (even if, as we now know from GAmmon theory that it was the Russian secret service that won Brexit and the 2019 UK election), meaning that half the public loves him while the rest lives in fear.
Because he’s an ego-driven cretin, DC is easily manipulated by feeding him papers that he doesn’t understand but have the right amount of long words, references to data and NASA (his personal weakness) and the idea that chaos-culture is somehow a macho thing and definitely not HRT for middle-class ageing flaccids who should just buy a motorbike.
Sadly, the Russian angle isn’t strong enough. No one in the UK really cares about the Russians anymore. We’re more fearful of asylum seekers than oligarchs and the Government knows this. Which is the other reason for the law-breaking and controversy – they’re already getting away with stuff far more crazy than any Putin-inspired conspiracy.
To make this work we have to turn the so-called Red (now blue) Wall against Boris and Dom’sday. Ideally we have to demonstrate that the pair of them have been sending injured servicemen (the GAmmon equivalent of vulnerable children with special internal chemicals are ‘our-brave-boys’) to China where they are put into the service of millionaire Muslim ladyboys, enduring humiliating sexual depravity to the soundtrack of Rule Brittania with amended lyrics written by Jeremy Corbyn. They are then forced into veganism before being ‘milked’ by men in black-and-white minstrel costumes for their Britstosterone-laden salty-service-sauce, which is turned into an artisan protein-heavy gravy substitute. This ‘gravy’, marketed as ‘Milk-of-GAmmnesia’ is sold by a holding company owned by Jacob Rees Mogg and Michael Gove that launders the profits through a scheme in the north of England to replace Rugby League with ‘the other sort’ .
GAmmon conspiracy? Sorted. Who needs a talking dog?
